M. R. Spiers:
I’m a selfish, worthless idiot who’ll never amount to anything. I have a crush on a guy that I’m not supposed to (my computer science teacher), and if anyone ever found out and got the wrong idea, it would have dire consequences for him. I only want him to be happy, so I harbor no ill feelings toward his wife or anything. He really does love her, and, well, she’s so much better than me in many ways. Unfortunately, I think I got a bit carried away with my feelings. I thought we could still be friends, but I let my emotions get in the way and I feel like he knows about my crush on him. He’s such a nice, sweet, caring person, but I don’t know how I can carry on like this if I’m such a selfish piece of shit. It seems like no matter what, I’m forever destined to fall in love with men who are 1) at least 3 times older than I am, 2) already married, or both. I tried to do well in his class, to make him proud, but I couldn’t even do that. Frick this.
Not only that, but I live in an area where everybody is hyperfocused on things like STEM and computer science. The academic pressure on us is immense here. It seems like everyone has perfect grades. Everyone is doing so well. I’m happy for them, of course, but it’s a different story with me. I love useless subjects like history, art, linguistics, and other things like that. I’m the exact opposite of what everyone wants me to be, and it sucks. I’m not even good at the subjects I like. I got a B in APUSH last semester, so I guess I’ll never be a historian because I suck at that too. It seems like everyone else is better than me at everything. The school doesn’t even offer AP Euro, which is what I really want to study. I’ll never be able to speak French or German, like I want to, because there’s not enough time to practice. Like I said, there’s a lot of pressure for us to do well on the more important subjects. Last year, my parents pushed me to become a JAVA TA in an attempt to make me better at programming, but I was crap at that too. I wanted to help the kids, I really did. But I couldn’t even do that because I was so terrible at the subject. I feel like I’ve let both the kids and the supervising teacher down. They’d probably be better off cloning the other TA, since I suck so much. Either way, everyone else is smarter than me, and I hate it. I’m happy for them, but I hate myself.
Next year, I’ll have to start working on college apps, and it’s the only thing my parents will talk about. I feel like I haven’t been living up to their expectations. My lazy ass hasn’t done anything useful my entire life, so I have nothing to write about in my essays. I’m crap at writing, as well. I don’t think I can do that anymore. And I really don’t know why I’m complaining, anyway. My parents are relatively well off, so I’ve never had to want for anything. I have the best friends ever. They’re better than me in so many ways. I have an amazing family. I have no real issues to complain about, and I feel terrible for thinking that I’m the one having issues when so many people in the world are suffering far more than I am. I guess I really am a selfish, ungrateful asshole.
Someone please help me. I don’t know what to do anymore.