I said i never cared about anything but in truth, I’ve never been so lost, I don’t know where I’m going nor what I’m doing and I know even less what i want.It’s like I’m invincible or rather no longer afraid of anything but it is perhaps just an impression.Do you remember that I had some kind of irrational fears of needles,bees, thunderstorms especially I was afraid of having “bag grades”, do you remember those endless nights filled with terror and tears”just” for a 15/20. Do you remember all of that?Well, now there is nothing left, I’m not afraid of needles, bees,nor thunderstorms anymore and I no longer fear of bad grades.I simply don’t care about anything.Nothing matters or have any importance.I am free from all of that.Howevert,I don’t know,I don’t know anymore, I don’t know a thing anymore.Do you remember that little girl they described as mature, “a repartee and one of those reflections?” as they said.Guess what, she is terrified.It crushes her from the inside, really, something sick, she may be “mature” or whatever, she is only 15, she may knows everything, she knows nothing. And it’s this fuzziness, it’s this fog, it’s the total unknown, what was once so radiant, which now frightens her more than anything. She is no more afraid of losing herself nor breaking herself, since she has never been whole, since she never was, since she has never been. No, it’s total darkness,it’s impulsiveness, all she does not understand, it’s failed calculations, erroneous assumptions, erasures, spots, blank pages, black lilies and white roses, goodbyes and “delighted to meet you”, smiles and tears and sometimes even both. These are forbidden phrases, words never spoken, lies too often said, silent cries, a raging swell, a war without victory, promises without hope, unanswered questions, repressed thoughts, things so often repeated yet so empty of meaning and so many things at the sameIt’s infinite, it is a living paradox, it is her. That’s all she likes about the other but hates when it comes to herself.

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