Now you know. About my feelings for you. And I couldn’t be more guilty.
I wasn’t mad at the person who told you, and I wasn’t mad at you for prying. I am, however, mad at myself. I wasn’t the slightest bit shocked; my heart wasn’t beating fast, nor did I feel the color drain from my face; what I did feel was the disappointment and the guilt wrapping itself around my body- suffocating my soul. I knew that I was fucked. That I was going to ruin another friendship. And it hurt so much.
It hurt so much, knowing that you’re overthinking more because of this; beacuse of me. Your thoughts are killing you, and its all my fault. Our friendship is on the line, and I’m to blame. The fact that you dont know how to respond to my feelings. You’re afraid of hurting me. The fact that when you asked me if I still liked another person more, I could only answer with nothing but silence. Knowing that one day, you’ll hate me for this. You’ll realize how pathetic I am and you’ll stop helping me. And I’ll lose not just a friend, but a reason to live.
Its fine, you tell me. You’re not mad. Its not ny fault. I’m not a burden. I find your words very comforting. But for some reason I still feel like a problem. And problems need to disappear, don’t they? Oh, right. I can’t yet. We promised each other that we won’t, and I have to honour this promise of ours. Even though it’s so difficult right now. Until then, please be patient with me.
I don’t want to lose you because of me. I don’t want to lose another person. And I’m just…terrified. That even if you don’t hate me now, you eventually will.
And when that happens, I can truly disappear. Because problems are meant to disappear, aren’t they?